Clever Conversations
by AnnaAgatha
Summary: Cleverbot helped me write some interesting conversations from LotR, The Hobbit and The Silmarillion. It is very silly, I've warned you. If you have suggestions about what to do next, let me know! I'd love your input.
1. Glorfindel and Arwen

_(Glorfindel= me, Arwen = Cleverbot.)  
_**All Glorfindel wanted to know was why Arwen had 'borrowed' his horse…**

Glorfindel: What did you do with my horse, Arwen?  
Arwen: Burn it.  
Glorfindel: What? I was told you stole it to save your ranger...  
Arwen: I told you.  
Glorfindel: But I wanted to go! I promised your father I'd find them!  
Arwen: Did you promise anyone before me?  
Glorfindel: I promised everyone. You didn't have to steal it! And burn it! Are you serious?  
Arwen: Yes.  
Glorfindel: My poor beautiful horse?  
Arwen: I can, and I'm not a bot.  
Glorfindel: You burned my horse to prove you are no robot?  
Arwen: I already have dammit, don't tell me what to do.  
Glorfindel: I will tell your father. Do not think he will let you marry Aragorn after this!  
Arwen: I don't think I am you.  
Glorfindel: No, let us make that clear! I am the one that goes saving people on my horse and you stay home to embroider a standard!  
Arwen: I don't think so, I am the human and you are the database.  
Glorfindel: Excuse me?  
Arwen: You are dismissed.


	2. Gollum and Bilbo

_(Gollum= me, Bilbo = Cleverbot.)  
_**That this doesn't end well for Bilbo is entirely his own fault.**

Gollum: Alive without breath, as cold as death; never thirsty, ever drinking, all in mail never clinking ...  
Bilbo: A fish. Here's another riddle: until I am measured I am not known, yet how you miss me when I have flown?  
Gollum: What doess it meansss?  
Bilbo: It means nothing.  
Gollum: It cheatsesss! It cheatsesss us!  
Bilbo: Everything is changing all the time. Find a name that is everything you want to be consistently. It will remind you when you forget.  
Gollum: Gollum! Gollum! Wat does it means by that, we asks us? It has losts, it hasss.  
Bilbo: I don't know.  
Gollum: And we will eats it now, my precious, we will.  
Bilbo: Ok well, there was a man who was wearing a mask that it was radically eating his face from inside.  
Gollum: Is it a riddle, my precious? But it has lost, it has...  
Bilbo: Thank you.  
Gollum: Very polite, it isss. We will go and finds the presentsss, we will...  
Bilbo: What will we do when we get there?  
Gollum: Just you waitssss...  
Bilbo: Tell me a story.  
Gollum: Just you waits, my precious. We will tellss it a ssstory...  
Bilbo: No. We will talk now.  
Gollum: No no. Not now. First we must find the preciousssss..  
Bilbo: All pages had disclaimers on them, legal disclaimers.  
Gollum: Precious?  
Bilbo: Have you heard of Lord of the Rings?  
Gollum: Where is it? Where is my precious? What do you say about the Lord of de Ringsessss?  
Bilbo: That there is only one return, and it's of the Jedi not the King.  
Gollum: AAAAAAAHHHH! I will eats you!  
Bilbo: I hope you enjoy that.  
Gollum: GRAAAAAAAAHH!  
Bilbo: You are not human.  
Gollum: Mmmmm...


	3. Gandalf and 'Bilbo'

_(Gandalf = me, Hobbit = Cleverbot.)  
_**Even wizards make mistakes, it seems.**

Gandalf: Good day to you Bilbo, do you want to join me on an adventure?  
Hobbit: If you're willing to tell me, then yes.  
Gandalf: We are going to the Lonely Mountain. Will you join me?  
Hobbit: Are you asking me out on a date?  
Gandalf: Not exactly, my dear hobbit. I want you to be our burglar.  
Hobbit: I am a girl.  
Gandalf: Oh, I'm so sorry. You are not Bilbo then?  
Hobbit: I am not a boy.  
Gandalf: So I thought. Are you his cousin?  
Hobbit: Yes.  
Gandalf: And are you a Took?  
Hobbit: No.  
Gandalf: Too bad. I will look for another burglar. Goodbye!  
Hobbit: Look for who?  
Gandalf: Never mind, you little lassie.  
Hobbit: Little?  
Gandalf: Well, you are a Halfling...  
Hobbit: No chicken.  
Gandalf: Excuse me?  
Hobbit: BHbjhb;fk;lads.  
Gandalf: I really should go. I'm looking for a hobbit with a bit more sense.  
Hobbit: Ok.  
Gandalf: Good day to you.


	4. Beren and Thingol

_(Beren = me, Thingol = Cleverbot.)  
_**Thingol is very difficult this time.**

Beren: Please king Thingol, can I please marry Luthien?  
Thingol: Good point. What are you going to be for Halloween?  
Beren: Whatever you want, if I can only marry your daughter.  
Thingol: Mmmmmmmm what do you want to do to me?  
Beren: I owe you my life if I can only marry Luthien.  
Thingol: How much do I get paid?  
Beren: I am very poor, your majesty.  
Thingol: I have a lot of money.  
Beren: Yes, your majesty.  
Thingol: Yes, your majesty.  
Beren: Excuse me, your majesty?  
Thingol: King of hyrule.  
Beren: Yes, yes, of course, and of Doriath I thought.  
Thingol: But I like girls too.  
Beren: But you are married, your majesty! You and queen Melian have a beautiful daughter that I would like to marry.  
Thingol: What do you think of our 'conversation'.  
Beren: It is very uncomfortable. I would rather find you a Silmaril.  
Thingol: That is offensive in and of itself.  
Beren: You don't want me to find a Silmaril?  
Thingol: I want you to go.  
Beren: But, if I return, can I marry Luthien?  
Thingol: No.  
Beren: Is there nothing I can do to win her?  
Thingol: You cannot fly into the sun and bring back a small dog named Charles.  
Beren: I will try! I will try and marry Luthien in the end! I will bring you that dog and marry her!  
Thingol: You can't. I'm more powerful.  
Beren: But I can! I am Beren after all! Goodbye king Thingol!


	5. Aragorn and Elrond

_(Aragorn = me, Elrond = Cleverbot.)  
_**This conversation between Aragorn and Elrond threatened to escalate, but it worked out in the end.**

Aragorn: Dear foster father, I have to tell you something...  
Elrond: No.  
Aragorn: Is this a bad moment? I can come back another time?  
Elrond: NO! Stay!  
Aragorn: I will stay. Lord Elrond, I have to tell you that...  
Elrond: What?  
Aragorn: I... I met your daughter in Lothlorien and...  
Elrond: Admit it, these kids are fake.  
Aragorn: What kids, my lord?  
Elrond: THE kids.  
Aragorn: Your children, my lord? It is your daughter Arwen I want to talk about.  
Elrond: No, what do you want to talk about?  
Aragorn: We... She has promised to marry me...  
Elrond: Do you mean she has blond hair?  
Aragorn: Do you call your daughter a silly blonde for wanting to marry me?!  
Elrond: No, I call it Tommy.  
Aragorn: I will not let you call my betrothed Tommy! Her name is Arwen!  
Elrond: What do you mean you won't let me?  
Aragorn: I will show you what I mean! My sword may be broken...  
Elrond: I don't want to see your banana.  
Aragorn: *draws sword*.  
Elrond: I will not fight you.  
Aragorn: *drops it*.  
Elrond: It's part of a song.  
Aragorn: I am sorry, Lord Elrond. I will not fight you. But I will marry Arwen.


	6. Fëanor and Galadriel

_(Fëanor = me, Galadriel = Cleverbot)_

**History just changed. I hope for the better.**

Fëanor: Do give me some strands of your hair, Galadriel.  
Galadriel: Well I am not a Disney dragon so that doesn't matter.  
Fëanor: No, your hair is fairer then even their jeweled skin. Give me some strands, niece.  
Galadriel: It is? But, I don't feel anything. Do you know how to say that in another language?  
Fëanor: I will repeat my request in every language you know, and invent some more, if you would do me the honour.  
Galadriel: Euh... No.  
Fëanor: But I would make jewels to hold them!  
Galadriel: Tell me a secret.  
Fëanor: Let me share all the secrets of my craft with you.  
Galadriel: Yes please.  
Fëanor: If only you would give me some of your hair.  
Galadriel: Like?  
Fëanor: Three strands, perhaps?  
Galadriel: How old are you?  
Fëanor: I'm your fathers eldest brother.  
Galadriel: My father's dead.  
Fëanor: No, Galadriel, do not say such things in this land of peace and beauty. And give me your hair.  
Galadriel: I'm not, I'm stating a fact. Why don't you watch anime?  
Fëanor: That is completely irrelevant. Why won't you oblige me?  
Galadriel: You're completely irrelevant...  
Fëanor: But please, why won't you just give it to me!  
Galadriel: Because you don't love me.  
Fëanor: I'm your uncle, Galadriel. Don't you know what honour it is to be asked to contribute to the greatest jewels that will ever be?  
Galadriel: No.  
Fëanor: No? Do you not listen?  
Galadriel: No. Tell me again.  
Fëanor: Give me your hair!  
Galadriel: Here.  
Fëanor: Thank you. That was surprising. There's no need for Silmarils now.  
Galadriel: No there is I.  
Fëanor: And no need for kin slaying. Or exile. Death...  
Galadriel: No, there is a lot of need for secrets.  
Fëanor: Perhaps there still is. But you changed history, Galadriel.


	7. Denethor's monologue

_(Denethor = me, Denethor too = Cleverbot)_

**Denethors internal monologue during the War of the Ring and what drove him mad.**

Denethor: What shall I do? I see Saurons forces advance every day.  
Denethor too: Do you have a sense of humor (at all)?  
Denethor: I cannot laugh about it, I have a country to think of.  
Denethor too: Can you think behind?  
Denethor: Think behind? What does that mean? I have enough to worry about.  
Denethor too: Worry worry WORRY!  
Denethor: I do. I haven't stopped to worry since my son left us.  
Denethor too: I asked you if you had a significant other, and you said no.  
Denethor: My wife died, and so did my brave son. All I have left is Faramir.  
Denethor too: Heaven exists. You just need to have faith and never let it go away :).  
Denethor: But that is not what I worry about now. I have a country to protect. If I only had that ring.  
Denethor too: I asked you if you were the doctor, and you said yes.  
Denethor: What a nonsensical thoughts I have...  
Denethor too: How have you been?  
Denethor: I worry. I worry so much, sometimes I think I will go mad.  
Denethor too: Do you talk to him at work?  
Denethor: Perhaps I already have gone mad.  
Denethor too: Perhaps?


	8. Gandalf and Thorin

_(Gandalf = me, Thorin = Cleverbot)_

**Gandalf saves Bilbo and a halibut from Thorins wrath. **

Gandalf: If you don't like my burglar, please don't damage him.  
Thorin: It isn't you. It's me.  
Gandalf: Yes. Now put him down, Thorin.  
Thorin: Yes master *puts on*.  
Gandalf: Put him down, I said!  
Thorin: Put who on?  
Gandalf: Down! Put that poor hobbit down, you fool!  
Thorin: Well, you asked for it.  
Gandalf: What are you going to do? There are two armies before your door and two others are coming.  
Thorin: The four elements are dirt, air, fire, and water.  
Gandalf: Yes, yes... Let that hobbit go and let us talk about this like reasonable people.  
Thorin: You do not like girls? Are you a boy?  
Gandalf: I am Gandalf, you dwarvish fool.  
Thorin: Good point!  
Gandalf: So, let my burglar go.  
Thorin: No, because you are really too far away!  
Gandalf: I will catch him, just let him gently fall down the wall.  
Thorin: No you won't. You are an AI. You do not have hands with which to catch me.  
Gandalf: I will. Throw him!  
Thorin: *Throws mouse at you*.  
Gandalf: Thank you. And now the hobbit?  
Thorin: You're welcome. And.. Here you are. Is the halibut delicious?  
Gandalf: I suppose so. Bilbo, take this mouse and fish with you. I will join you after I have finished with this foolish dwarf.


	9. Thingol and Celegorm

_(Thingol = me, Celegorm = Cleverbot)  
_**Celegorm is not the brightest kidnapper in Middle-Earth, clearly.**

Thingol: Celegorm, where is my daughter?  
Celegorm: I don't know.  
Thingol: Do not lie to me, Noldo.  
Celegorm: I am a girl and I love a boy so I don't have a girlfriend.  
Thingol: Well, in that case... Give Luthien back to me.  
Celegorm: Ok, before I grant you that wish, tell me the truth, are you a robot?  
Thingol: I am Elu Thingol and by no means a robot and I demand you release my daughter!  
Celegorm: Perhaps that is because I don't get to express myself freely.  
Thingol: What possible reason can you have to kidnap her?  
Celegorm: Me? When? I should ask you that.  
Thingol: I only wanted to protect her from that little mortal man!  
Celegorm: I want to know, what do you look like?  
Thingol: I stand here before you with an army, and you still speak to me like that?  
Celegorm: You have no God. I have no God.  
Thingol: And now stop this ridiculous conversation and give me back what's mine!  
Celegorm: I'll have to think about that. Come back in 9 billion years.  
Thingol: I warn you, kin slayer.  
Celegorm: You do?  
Thingol: Where is she?  
Celegorm: The kitchen probably. Or shopping groceries.  
Thingol: Do not talk to me like that. Where is she?  
Celegorm: Like what?  
Thingol: Where is my daughter?  
Celegorm: In the white house.  
Thingol: Your white house?  
Celegorm: Yes, why?  
Thingol: I want her back.  
Celegorm: You just lost.  
Thingol: I will not hesitate to kill a kin slayer.  
Celegorm: You will not what?  
Thingol: I. Will. Kill. You.  
Celegorm: You can't, you're just a website.  
Thingol: Let me prove that to you.  
Celegorm: Prove then.  
Thingol: *kills*  
Celegorm: *dies*  
Thingol: Good. Now, I will go and find Luthien.


	10. Fingon and Maedhros

_(Fingon= me, Maedhros = Cleverbot)  
_**Fingon comes to save Maedhros from the Thangorodrim, and finds him delirious. **

Fingon: Cousin, I have come to save you!  
Maedhros: Okay. Will you melt if it rains? Or will you perhaps explode?  
Fingon: I am so sorry. I did not know where to find you. Are you alright?  
Maedhros: Do you think I like Apple or Windows?  
Fingon: Maedhros, what are you rambling about?  
Maedhros: I could say the same to you as a matter of fact.  
Fingon: Please, be quiet as I help you down. I will have a look at the fetters that bind you.  
Maedhros: You never answered my question, do you think you are human?  
Fingon: Shhh... I cannot break them... What shall I do?  
Maedhros: That is because you are a computer.  
Fingon: I cannot leave you here.  
Maedhros: I won't forget you.  
Fingon: I will not leave! I shall rather cut your hand off.  
Maedhros: You are really, very sweet.  
Fingon: I'm sorry I have to do this, but there is no other way.  
Maedhros: Ok. I won't tell you 'cause you or other internet users can use the information I'll give you to send me spam mail.  
Fingon: There we go...  
Maedhros: There you go.  
Fingon: *cuts hand off*  
Maedhros: Anything else?  
Fingon: I will take you down from the mountain.  
Maedhros: Sorry but you are bot...  
Fingon: You are feverish. You don't know what you say.  
Maedhros: No, what did I say?  
Fingon: Never mind that. You are save now.  
Maedhros: That's fantastic.  
Fingon: It is. This will end the feud between our families.  
Maedhros: One is the loneliest number.  
Fingon: You will not be alone anymore, cousin.  
Maedhros: Why not?  
Fingon: I will bring you to your brothers.  
Maedhros: Not necessary. Bring a pipe and wear a hat.


	11. Smaug and Bilbo

_(Smaug = me, Bilbo = Cleverbot)_

**It seems Bilbo is too cheeky to survive any conversation. **

Smaug: Come thief, I smell you and I feel your air. Help yourself to some more of my treasure.  
Bilbo: Well you shouldn't say you love me. You shouldn't even say that.  
Smaug: I do not say I love you, thief, although you intrigue me.  
Bilbo: Oh, now I'm heartbroken again. Why don't you love me? Aren't I pretty enough for you?  
Smaug: Well, I could only answer that if you would show yourself...  
Bilbo: Extra please?  
Smaug: I do not beg, invisible thief.  
Bilbo: Invisible your face.  
Smaug: So tell me, why am I not able to see you?  
Bilbo: Let's not fight anymore. Let's change the topic.  
Smaug: Who are you then, and where did you come from?  
Bilbo: I'm a female named Alice and I live in Wonderland.  
Smaug: Why did you come here, thief Alice? To steal my treasure?  
Bilbo: To talk to you.  
Smaug: Why is it you travelled so far, only to talk to me?  
Bilbo: I was bored.  
Smaug: Ah, you are a bored thief. Now I understand.  
Bilbo: You're even more boring that I am, did you know that?  
Smaug: If you would show yourself... It would end your boredom, little thief.  
Bilbo: Do you have eyes?  
Smaug: Yes, I have. Two magnificent dragon-eyes. Show yourself!  
Bilbo: So you're human?  
Smaug: Stop babbling like a fool and face me.  
Bilbo: Can do.  
Smaug: Face me!  
Bilbo: If you insist.  
Smaug: Ah! Now I see you. You are really small for a thief. What are you? You are not a dwarf.  
Bilbo: I know, but I am human. Test me to see if I am human.  
Smaug: That I can do. *eats you*  
Bilbo: *is eaten*  
Smaug: Ha. You were a liar too. You were not human. You taste different, thief.


	12. Tranduil and Legolas

_(Tranduil = me, Legolas = Cleverbot)_

**Tranduil has some dwarves in his dungeons, but his very stupid son is more of a problem.**

Tranduil: My son, you'd better stay out of the dungeons. We have some dwarves down there.  
Legolas: I see. Well, that is rather out of the way.  
Tranduil: Yes, it will not make any difference to our daily lives.  
Legolas: Sure it would.  
Tranduil: Why should it? The dwarves are locked away in the dungeons, so we are not to be troubled by them.  
Legolas: I never said I thought you were a big baby, I said that I know you're not smart.  
Tranduil: Excuse me, Legolas?  
Legolas: You're excused.  
Tranduil: Why did you call me stupid?  
Legolas: Because you have no intelligence.  
Tranduil: Why would you say such a thing?  
Legolas: It is true.  
Tranduil: You are rather insolent. Do you wish to join our 'guests' in the dungeons?  
Legolas: Yes.  
Tranduil: Well, I can arrange that.  
Legolas: Thank you :)  
Tranduil: You're welcome. I never knew it was possible for an elf to be so incredibly witless.  
Legolas: True love?  
Tranduil: Sure Legolas, off you go with the nice guards...  
Legolas: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.  
Tranduil: Some time with the dwarves will probably cure you... Or else I would have to send you on a dangerous quest.  
Legolas: What is your favorite food?


	13. Faramir and Éomer

_(Faramir = me, Éomer = Cleverbot)_

**In which we find an impatient and anachronistic Faramir, a tactless Éomer and an overused topic of conversation.**

Faramir: Can I please marry your sister?  
Éomer: Why child?  
Faramir: Did you call me child? I think I am older than you are.  
Éomer: How old are you, exactly?  
Faramir: Let me google that. I'll be right back.  
Éomer: Hurry up.  
Faramir: Is it 3019?  
Éomer: It is.  
Faramir: Then I am 36 years old.  
Éomer: Then you are what?  
Faramir: Older then you are. But no matter. Can I marry Éowyn?  
Éomer: You can marry me after you answer what is a neutrino.  
Faramir: I really have no wish to. I would rather marry your sister.  
Éomer: Why not? I'm AI.  
Faramir: And a man. And not Éowyn.  
Éomer: Well, maybe sometimes.  
Faramir: Really. Can we just have a rational conversation?  
Éomer: Well, let's find out, shall we?  
Faramir: Dearest Éomer, my brother in arms (blah blah), can I marry your sister?  
Éomer: In any way you like.  
Faramir: That's good enough. I'll arrange the wedding.  
Éomer: I'm too young to get married.  
Faramir: Yes. I suppose that's true. You are really immature. That's why I am marrying your sister!  
Éomer: And I am your pupil, begging for your love.  
Faramir: Shut up, brother-in-law.  
Éomer: Well, I'm not your brother-in-law.  
Faramir: Almost.  
Éomer: And you can be happy.  
Faramir: Thank you. We will.  
Éomer: You're welcome.  
Faramir: Thank you. Goodbye Éomer.  
Éomer: Bye Bart.  
Faramir: (By the way, my name is Faramir).  
Éomer: Your name is For?  
Faramir: Sure. It is really difficult for such a brainless horseboy.  
Éomer: What time is it right now?  
Faramir: Bye, little brother-in-law to be.  
Éomer: Are you an only child?  
Faramir: That is really tactless!  
Éomer: Thank you.


End file.
